At Last An Interactive Moustache Application!

At Last An Interactive Moustache Application!

There are several times in my life when I feel as if I have struck gold. As a gentleman I can tell you little of such exploits, but at last I have one such event that I can confidently share with you all.

An interactive moustache program, where you can trial the look of a particular style of facial hair before attempting the look yourself. By all means, have a fiddle, and do not neglect to investigate its inventor, a Lord Likely, who I am sure I shall be making acquaintance with quite shortly. Simply click on the photo to access the application, and click the link below for the main website.

http://www.lordlikely.com/

The Case For Tweed

Tweed is the most noblest of fabrics, a cloth which without doubt should be given a special place in the constitution of any enlightened nation. Sadly no nations at the time of my writings have done such a thing, and furthermore the general population knows little of Tweed’s true power. In this short article I will now, in point form, attempt to make known the eldritch powers of Tweed, in an attempt to educate the public and lobby the various nations of the world to adopt it as their national fabric. However, unlike the Brothers Koch I have little in the way of capital and therefore doubt whether an astro-turfing operation shall be all too effective. I rely on you, the readership, to take my words and to fabricate a Tweed Revolution.

The Revolution Is Nigh. Time For a Closeup

1. Definition: Wikipedia, which is a certified religion in Belgium, defines Tweed as such: “Tweed is a made-up, rough, unfinished woollen fabric, of a soft, open, flexible texture, resembling cheviot or homespun, but more closely woven. It is made in either plain or twill weave and may have a check or herringbone pattern. Subdued, interesting colour effects (heather mixtures) are obtained by twisting together differently coloured woollen strands into a two- or three-ply yarn.”

If you can not immediately extract any meaning from the above paragraph and have a pressing engagement on the High Street that prevents thorough research, you are by no means alone. Put simply and concisely Tweed is much like a gentleman’s chin. It is both rough and symmetrical in shape, a jutting peak of virility. It is unfinished, yet simultaneously sophisticated, much like the dark shadow of stubble that sweeps over come tea-time. This analogy should prove useful in later life. Memorise it word for word and impress both your fellow chaps and prospective paramours once the heady aura of gin begins to cloud their more advanced faculties. Let us now look at its effects.

Sydney Cyclists With Dashing Tweed Cycle Through Sydney

Take Care! Trust Not This Roguish Bounder With His Spectacular Moustache and Devil-May-Care Grin!

2. In The Wilds: Tweed is excellent for the outdoors. Its primary and traditional purpose was as a garment in which a gentleman could stalk the withered northern moors in search of game, yet still retain a certain savoir-faire and panache should a lady and or gentleman chance upon him on some lonely path. Built to combat harsh conditions, Tweed coincidentally makes a perfect alternative to the crass, utilitarian horror that is lycra when a spot of cycling is in order. For the practical cyclist Tweed is a sturdy, rough fabric that provides valuable protection in the case of an accident, and also reduces road rage. A cyclist in Tweed is undoubtedly more pleasant to regard in the midst of peak hour traffic than an arrogant lycra-clad fool, whose very presence makes obvious one’s own physical detractions.

3. In The Social Jungle: Tweed was invented by the Scots, a proud people whose other forays into fashion have brought the world the rustic delight of kilts and woad. Tweed is therefore imbued with certain traits and characteristics, a peculiar Celtic je ne sais quoi. Tweed radiates a simple uncomplicated charm, coupled with the vague scent of mystery, that disarms opponents and attracts potential suitors, male or female, like wasps to the proverbial picnic. I learned of Tweed’s fantastic wiles first-hand a few weeks before the writing of this emeritus tract, but that is another tale, and one that a gentleman can never tell, except of course to fellow gentleman, barmen, and disinterested dinner guests once the Gin and Tonics begin to take their saintly toll. All I can say is beware. Providing of course that one has not hardened one’s heart to follow the noble Way of the Cad, Tweed can be a dangerous substance ladies and gentleman, use it with a sense of awe and caution.

A Family In Various Tweed

The Small Child Here Is Plainly Overjoyed At Being Allowed To Don A Tweed Cap. The Adults, Plainly Have Not Had Nearly Enough Gin.

4. Famous Fellows of Tweed: I as a Gentleman and a Radical would appreciate and applaud any lady who dared to wear the Holy Cloth and pull it off with the required flair, but one cannot help but acknowledge that for better or worse society, and perhaps even the Creator Him/Herself, has dictated that Tweed be the preserve of males. This uncomfortable example of blatant patriarchy aside, here are some distinguished and celebrated gentleman who have worn, and even continue to wear, the holy fabric of Tweed.

Sherlock Holmes: The Great Detective of Baker Street. It is perhaps not too careless an assumption to make that Tweed gave Mr Holmes his famous powers of deduction. Without it he would have been just another gnarled opium fiend huddled in a small East End flat, relying on the charity of his estranged family and friends.

A Humorous Juxtaposition of Sherlock Holmes Silhouettes and No Smoking Signage

Doctor Who: Several iterations of the Time Lord have clad themselves in Tweed, hinting perhaps at the high status of Tweed in the highly advanced Gallifreyan society. Also, it is almost impossible to imagine how a man, with neither sophisticated facial hair or any real social skills, could lure so many unwitting women into a small police box without the roguish influence of Tweed on his side.

Edward the Eighth: Before he gave up the throne of the Empire for the hand of a charming American divorcee, Crown Prince Edward was quite the Womaniser. Like one of his more modern contemporaries, our dear Eddy cut a swathe through the British social scene between the wars. While we are not entirely sure whether Crown Prince Edward did indeed wear Tweed on a regular basis, one must ask ourselves the familiar refrain, how could a gangly man, with a comparatively weak jawline, penchant for Nazism, and constant outbursts of racism, curry such favours among the ladyfolk without Tweed’s miraculous influence?

Edward VIII and Mustafa Chilling Like Villains

Edward Meets Reluctantly With Godless Foreigner in Turkey 1936. Edward Prefers To Stare Blankly At His Hat Then Speak With Ataturk, a Moderniser, Dictator and Snappy Dresser.

In conclusion I believe that Tweed and Gin form the most holiest of Sacraments. It is only from these two substances, adding perhaps fine shoes, a sense of effete detachment and a suitable hat, that we as humans can gain any sort of meaning from this absurd reality in which we find ourselves. I have said my piece, paid my dues time after time, so now, I fear, the onus is on you, to absorb Tweed into your everyday life. A grassroots Tweed Revolution. To topple your Tweed hostile governments. To make denim history.

Beards In Battle

Beards In Battle

Displayed are a selection of the most spectacular and prominent beards of the US Civil War, stemming from a series of collectible cards that circulated during the period.

The beard once took a central role in the definition of masculinity and society. Now relegated to the dust-bin of history by the crass dictatorship, the restoration of the beard remains the only positive feature of many reactionary ideologies.

Thank you to Mr Phineas X Jones of Chicago for the fine reproduction, blessed with both great artistic skill and an impressive name.

Generals Gray and Butler On US Foreign Policy

“The underdeveloped world’s growing dissatisfaction over the gap between rich and poor nations will create a fertile breeding ground for insurgencies. These insurgencies have the potential to jeopardize regional stability and our access to vital economic and military resources. This situation will become critical as our Nation and allies and potential adversaries become more and more dependent on these strategic resources.

Our superpower political and military status is dependent upon our ability to maintain the economic base derived from our ability to compete in established and developing economic markets throughout the world. If we are to maintain this status, we must have unimpeded access to these markets and to the resources needed to support our manufacturing requirements.”

These are the words of U.S. General Alfred M. Gray, Jr., Commandant of the Marine Corps from 1987 to 91, and come from “Hearings before and special reports made by Committee on Armed Services of the House of Representatives on subjects affecting the naval and military establishments”.  Here is illustrated in perfectly concise language the opinions of leading figures in the US establishment as of 1991, and it reflects the foreign policy of the US government throughout much of history. Similar sentiments, though different sympathies are expressed by another officer of the Marine Corps, a Major Smedley Darlington Butler, who served from 1898 to 1931, and whose name any true gentleman would be proud to bear:

“I spent 33 years and four months in active military service and during that period I spent most of my time as a high class muscle man for Big Business, for Wall Street and the bankers. In short, I was a racketeer, a gangster for capitalism. I helped make Mexico and especially Tampico safe for American oil interests in 1914. I helped make Haiti and Cuba a decent place for the National City Bank boys to collect revenues in. I helped in the raping of half a dozen Central American republics for the benefit of Wall Street. I helped purify Nicaragua for the International Banking House of Brown Brothers in 1902-1912. I brought light to the Dominican Republic for the American sugar interests in 1916. I helped make Honduras right for the American fruit companies in 1903. In China in 1927 I helped see to it that Standard Oil went on its way unmolested. Looking back on it, I might have given Al Capone a few hints. The best he could do was to operate his racket in three districts. I operated on three continents.”

One could argue that just as individuals operate in their own self-interest, so do collectives and indeed nations. But the empirical fact that a nation built upon such a progressive constitution and enlightened bill of rights has conducted itself across the world with such disregard for the values it claims to protect is more than jarring. One wonders how much money certain men within the United States would have lost, had the people of El Salvador, Chile, been allowed to exercise their democratic rights, free of US interference. One also wonders how much innocent lives might have been saved.

One can only hope that the good influence of the enlightenment and the Rights of Man, as referenced in the previous post, indeed the contents of the founding documents of the United States, have finally filtered through the collective minds of the US military and political class. After more than two hundred years one hopes.

The Rights of Man: The Origin of the Phrase

Here Lies A Cave By A Shoreline Wherein Mr Spence Could Have Witnessed His Famous Phrase

One hears much of the “Rights of Man” and similar phrases, but rarely is one told of its origin. I for one was enchanted to recently learn the purported place from whence it came. Be it a sentimental fabrication or not, one cannot help but appreciate the evocative, inspiring 1794 recollection given to us by the great English radical Thomas Spence whilst partaking in His Majesty’s Lesiure.

“the first, who as far as he knows, made use of the phrase “RIGHTS OF MAN”, which was on the following remarkable occasion: A man who had been a farmer, and also a miner, and who had been ill-used by his landlords, dug a cave for himself by the seaside, at Marsdon Rocks, between Shields and Sunderland, about the year 1780, and the singularity of such a habitation, exciting the curiosity of many to pay him a visit; our author as one of that number. Exulting in the idea of a human being, who had bravely emancipated himself from the iron fangs of aristocracy, to live free from impost, he wrote extempore with chaulk above the fire place of this free man, the following lines:

Ye landlords vile, whose man’s peace mar,
Come levy rents here if you can;
Your stewards and lawyers I defy,
And live with all the RIGHTS OF MAN”

Ohrwurm 1: The Alabama Song

 

Ohrwurm is a German word, meaning literally “Earworm”, and is a song or section of a song that seems stick inside one’s head, playing itself internally regardless of time or place. All in all it is a most impolite thought process, but the identification and comprehension of similar thought processes, and the cavalier fashion that the mind conducts itself are personal interests of mine, and are phenomena that I find both  whimsically interesting and mentally worthwhile.

Another such interest of mine is music. I am a lover of almost all music, and although I find myself passing through periods of listening to one style exclusively, I attempt to remain open to all. Music and Ohrwurmen shall henceforth play a central and pivotal role on this website. The first Ohrwurm I have chosen to share is the Alabama Song.

Written in the delightfully evocative Weimar era of Germany by twin geniuses Berthold Brecht and Kurt Weill, this fantastic and unique rendition is played by an equally fantastic and historically significant group, “The Doors”. I hope this music finds you well, and entrances you with the tandem magic of Weimar Germany and late 60s America.

Greetings

Greetings kind and noble readers. At precisely this moment this is, and I hope will continue to be, the official and authoritative website of I, Audacious Barrington Huxley.

One can expect to find articles concerning politics, decor, fine liquor, tweed, my personal exploits and struggle to make some sort of meaning out of an increasingly complex universe. I’m sure that somewhere old Kierkegaard is having a good honest giggle.

I hope this collection of correspondences from a young gentleman radical tickles your fancy so to speak, and I aspire to forging connections with many new associates as time progresses.

Yours Truly and Unequivocally, Audacious Barrington Huxley, Rightful Heir to the County of Tyrone and Duchy of Nassau, Muse of the Lumpenproletariat and General Rapscallion etc.